sigal samuel on indras net
sigal samuel making some great observations about boundary setting culture:
... some people bastardize the concept of boundaries by brandishing boundary language as a cover for avoidance. We’ve all got that friend (or Instagram influencer) who says, “Nope, I’m drawing a boundary!” anytime they’re being asked to do something that would be even a little hard or uncomfortable.
this likely occurs when a person hasn't set their boundaries once, and has been burned for that mistake. now it's become a mini avoidance responce, it's easy to overindex on mistakes by overly correcting behaviour.
So allow me to present Indra’s net, a classic Buddhist metaphor that originated in ancient India.
Picture an infinite net stretching out across the universe (a bit like a spiderweb). At each node where the threads intersect, there’s a jewel (a bit like a dewdrop that sits on the spiderweb). And each jewel is so shiny and reflective that it contains the image of every other jewel in the entire net. Which means each jewel also contains the reflections of the reflections, and the reflections of those reflections, on and on forever.
sigal goes deeper into the metaphor, focusing on the fact that we are dependent on eachothers lights and reflections:
Feeling fear and resentment while offering “charity” or “service” or “help” to others is not actually being in right relation with others — it’s an all-too-common form of martyrdom that sets up a hierarchical dynamic between a long-suffering “giver” and a passive “receiver.” The alternative is to stay horizontal, to think “I’m a jewel in the net, you’re a jewel in the net, and I’ll offer whatever I can offer without damaging my well-being — without ripping my part of the net.”
So, dear reader, play with finding that balance. You’ll know you’ve found it when you don’t feel resentful — you just feel tightly connected to others, and gleaming.
original vox advice column here, archived version here.
i believe deeply that people can improve their wellbeing. usually not with strict systems or elaborate frameworks, but rather a dance and confrontation with reality.
related:
☺️